Funny Quotes

Embrace the glorious mess that you are.
“Embrace the glorious mess that you are.”
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, it must be gratitude.
“I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, it must be gratitude.”
I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.
“I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.”
Life without adventure is like pizza without cheese.
“Life without adventure is like pizza without cheese.”
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle.”
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way.”
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.”
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
“If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
“The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands.
“I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands.”
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.
“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore.”
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
“Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.”
I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
“I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.”
My life feels like a test I didn't study for.
“My life feels like a test I didn't study for.”
I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
“I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.”
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
“I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
I wear black to the gym because it's like a funeral for my fat.
“I wear black to the gym because it's like a funeral for my fat.”
Dance like no one is watching, but text, post and email like it will be read in court one day.
“Dance like no one is watching, but text, post and email like it will be read in court one day.”
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
My brain has too many tabs open.
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.
“If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.”
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”
'You attract what you fear.' Oh my God, I'm scared of $10.6 Billion.
“'You attract what you fear.' Oh my God, I'm scared of $10.6 Billion.”
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”
I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes.
“I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes.”
Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
Life is a one time offer, use it well.
“Life is a one time offer, use it well.”
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
“Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.”
Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.
“Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.”
Hold on, I've gotta overthink about it.
“Hold on, I've gotta overthink about it.”
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
When nothing goes right, go left.
“When nothing goes right, go left.”
You can't make everyone happy. You're not an avocado.
“You can't make everyone happy. You're not an avocado.”
If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven't spent a night with a mosquito.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven't spent a night with a mosquito.”